I’m not hungry.. I’m.. unsatisfied… harrumph

I’m not tiny.

I used to be average in size, and there are all kinds of reasons I can give as to why I’m now “extremely overweight” (at least according to my BMI – hey at least I’m out of “Obese”, right?).

I struggle with food addiction.  I ENJOY food.  It was a reward all my life.  It makes me FEEL GOOD to eat GOOD food.  And it helps fill voids.. places empty and lonely.  I admit this.  I know this.

I’m tired.

Another three months of battling blood sugar issues, another three months of not losing weight, another three months of feeling guilty because of both of those things. 

Guilt. Hopelessness. Sadness.  OOh let’s eat!

Last week sometime, sick with an URI, I had enough.  I called a friend who is an Endocrinologist and specialists in Glycemic Nutrition.  I asked for help.  First on getting my blood sugars back under control.  Second on losing weight. Third on feeling better.  I told her don’t plan on strolling in with one of those printout “meal plans”  40% of the things on there I can’t or won’t eat.  We need to make this a real possibility, I can’t handle setting myself up for failure. 

Breakfast is difficult.  I don’t like eggs, or most breakfast meats, or oatmeal, or milk.  I’m not a fan of cereal, most of the times I simply don’t eat breakfast at all, and if I do, it is something bad, because in tandem with it being difficult on the food side, I’m busy in the morning, I take care of both of my parents, by the time I get me up, dressed, ready and then over to their house to make sure they are up, ready, fed, and off to work, and then me to work, I’m breaking my neck to get there on time.

So, not only does it have to be something I will eat, (because I can say all I want, oh yes, I’ll do that… if it isn’t something I like to eat, then even if I know I should eat it, I won’t. – Again, working on NOT setting up for failure) but it has to be something easy.  Oh, and something that isn’t expensive either. 

And that is just breakfast.  *groans* 

I was fairly certain she was going to laugh, and hang up on me, tell me that I can’t get better with that many demands.  But she didn’t.  We talked some more, and I told her a few other things that are on the NO.. WILL NOT EAT NO MATTER WHAT list and made an appointment to see her in a few days. 

That appointment was two and a half days ago. 

I think she is trying to kill me…  though I agreed to it, so I can’t really complain too much, can I?

We upped my insulin intake to 20 units at dinner, to help curb the sugars down a little.

And then we went to a 1200 Calorie a day meal plan for seven days.

Just to see what happens.  Just to see if I can do it, for one week. 

I am terrified.

She was great though, she came up with ideas for every meal, foods that I like and will actually eat.  Foods that are quick (for lunch and breakfast) and snacks!  She’s making me eat snacks.

So 300 calories a meal.  THREE HUNDRED?  Did you know that a bagel with LIGHT cream cheese is over 300 calories?  Hell.. what have I done?

And then 200 calories a snack.  That’s like not even half a ding dong.

Oh, and right around 35 carbs a meal.

Now all of this is loose and fast, if it is 345 one meal, I’m not considering it a failure.

She’s not considering it a failure either. 

We met for almost 90 minutes and when I left I had a game plan, but I KNEW I was going to be starving.

But considering that prior to that, for about the last three months I’ve been hungry ALL THE TIME, really, how would it be different.

I went back to the store to pick up a few things for work to kick this game plan into action, and then went back to work, READY to go.

READY to start.

I decided that I wanted to keep a food journal as well, just for me, so that I can keep track of my meal by meal calories

And so that I wouldn’t cheat — Not that I would EVER cheat.. ahem

I already hadn’t eaten breakfast that morning, and I wasn’t all that hungry .. most likely because of stress and nerves on doing this and succeeding.. so I decided that I would have one of the Carnation Insta Breakfast drinks.. made with almond milk instead of regular milk (don’t like milk, remember).  I find that this is a bonus anyway because Almond Milk has about half the calories per-serving as regular milk, and it has less fat AND no cholesterol. Woohoo Score.  And most important, I can actually stand the taste of almond milk.  So, No Sugar Added choco powder and milk, shake shake shake and drink. Not to bad, but again, I’m pretty sure I was stressed and nervous so I’m thinking it is not a good judge of whether it will actually fill me up in the mornings.  But I figure, hey, I don’t usually eat anything in the morning anyway, so this is better than nothing, yes?

It turns out, Yes is accurate.

I didn’t do an afternoon snack .. I think I was still shell shocked and contemplating diving into the box of individually wrapped chocolate cup cakes I had in my desk.

That’s a snack right?  That is a ..  yeah.. not good.  So no snack for me.

Then comes dinner, I’d already planned spaghetti, which isn’t too bad, the sauce I use is organic and low everything… only right at 40 calories a half cup, and I use the glycemic pasta, but I measured this time around, I was hungry, so I let myself have 1.5 servings of pasta and 1 cup of sauce, no cheese, no pepperoni and no garlic bread (with cheese of course).  I added a salad with balsamic vinegar and one small tomato sliced and the meal topped off at just under 500 calories.  Not a full on success, but good for the first night, of no planning.  I sit down and eat my food, conscious of the fact that normally I would have eaten pretty much the same thing, except slathered in cheese and with that bread..

Oh, and a portion about two and half times as big.  I sit there eating the pittance of food realizing that I am going to starve.  And fail.  And feel guilty.  And eat.

But I trust my friend the Dr. and promise that I WILL stick with this for one week, even if she starves me to death in the process.

The next morning my blood sugar isn’t good.. but it is lower than what it has been averaging in the morning..  so.. minor victory there.

The next morning, I am vigilant.  I drink my Carnation InstaBreakfast, I have my snack of 28 carefully counted out almonds, And then comes lunch.  I had lunch plans already, so I logged into the website of the place we were going and planned ahead.  They have a chopped chicken salad that is actually two portions, and if I use balsamic vinegar instead of their high fat, high calorie dressing, and only eat half, then I will slide in right at 260 calories.  Score.  I know that I’m going to be hungry.  But I can do this for one week.

I am good, I ignore the YUMMY fat and calorie filled dressing.  I ignore the pot stickers on the plate, and the decadent banana spring rolls for dessert, and I pack up half of my salad when it first gets there and settle in.  It was good.  even without their dressing of DOOM.  And I wasn’t hungry when we were done.  I wasn’t FULL, but I wasn’t hungry.  Hmmmm

I take my leftover salad back to work for the next day, and lunch is done.  Success.

3ish that afternoon, snack time.  I bought these little 80 calorie Citrus granola bars.  80 calories, 7 carbs, let’s go.  It is small, and I’m not full, but I’m not hungry.

I get home and check my blood sugar, it is still not where I would like it to be, but it is lower than it was that morning, so still moving in the right direction. 

Dinner comes and goes, I measure out proper amounts of a bit of salmon, some greens, and a slice of 40 cal toast and a little tiny amount of Brummel and brown, Dinner hangs right around 315 calories.

And I start to realize that I am not hungry.  I’m not FULL but I’m not hungry.

I’m also not SATISFIED.  And then I start to wonder, how much of what I eat is because I’m HUNGRY, or because I want to FEEL satisfied?

So here comes today.

Morning Blood Sugar, better still, but not good…

Breakfast…  InstaChoco drink

Morning Snack.. one of those bars..

Lunch, the rest of my salad..

Afternoon snack..  yay 28 almonds 🙂

Dinner, boneless skinless chicken breast, with a bit of lemon juice, pepper, soy sauce and garlic, steamed broccoli with lemon juice and pepper, and a slice of toast, and little bit of Brummel and brown.. Right at 344.  I’m trying, really I am.  And over all I’m staying real close to 1200 calories.  At least so far.

I’m still not hungry..  I’m unsatisfied.  I want the decadence of brownies..  or double cheese pizza.. I want the comfort found at the bottom of a hot fudge sundae, which incidentally is NOT the same thing that is found at the bottom of a sugar free jello cup.

I think I am going to start dreaming about ganache covered cheesecakes before too much longer. 

But color me shocked.  I’m not hungry….

We will see what tomorrow brings.


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